Real Mum Life
When I had my daughter, I was expecting to have the same experience as you see on TV; cute fluffy babygrow outfits, having coffee with friends while lovingly nursing my baby, and playing on activity mats shaking toys at her and cooing. To some extent it was like that, but the part I didn't know about is the bit no one had openly spoken to me about my entire life, and certainly not publicised in films or tv. That was the sleep deprivation and exhaustion that makes you crave a serious illness just so you can lie in a hospital bed and be fed and watch daytime TV! And then there was the intense loneliness. Now I say this not to be depressing, but simply to raise awareness and to share my real experiences; because when I was at my low points I found it very comforting to know that other people were feeling it too. I also have some tips and pointers that will help new mothers feeling this way.
Photo Credit: https://www.instagram.com/franzisaidwhat
I remember not being able to properly dress or put makeup on and the house constantly being a mess. I remember the feeling of isolation and also the resentment I felt towards my partner who could escape and go to work. I remember feeling distressed over never being able to clock off, and that my work was never done as a stay at home parent. And how important it was to be able to drink a cup of tea while it is still warm and to hold a conversation with a friend! All the things I took for granted in my single life became huge wonderful things that I longed for.
I don't know if you have heard of Clemmie Telford and her podcast But Why? I simply stumbled across her and have not looked back! Not only is she relatable, but she reminds me of my friends and how we talk to each other, so I feel right at home having her conversations play out in the kitchen while I make dinner. The episode with Anna Mathur about Loneliness was what brought me back to my baby motherhood days; now that my daughter is 7, the baby fog has clouded my memory and I only recall the cooing fluffy days. That is nature's way of propogating the species, helping us to forget so we are willing to have another one! It was so lovely to hear them discuss really important topics like connection, vulnerability and real friendship. I got quite emotional and goose bumpy listening to them. They were absolutely right! It is important to show your warts and all to trusted loved ones at times when you need them, otherwise you are likely to suffer in silence as everyone assumes you are fine.
It is so easy to pretend you are fine, or worse, to shame yourself for not feeling fine. Life is not meant to be perfect, and neither are we. I know no one likes a Negative Nancy, and it's not sexy being Sad Sack from the Raggy Dolls. However, it is okay to struggle, we all do, and it is okay to ask a trusted person for help. I really like the way Anna Mathur talks about having a meltdown at the school gate, and she apologises to the friend she is confiding in (why do we do that? Apologise for being human!) and the friend very graciously and accurately replies, "Don't worry it will be me next week!". No one is putting anyone on a pedestal if we ask for help, we are all equal, and we can help each other. Once we realise that we are not failing when we are in need of help, is when we will feel liberated.
Photo Credit: Huffington Post
To combat the loneliness, I used to go to a toddler group every day of the week. They were often put on by the local churches (a Godsend, literally!) and would be at a realistic time of 10am, when I have a hope of us both being dressed and out of the door. I found that as long as I got up and out of the house every morning, my day would go a lot better than if I stayed in until lunch time. My daughter had toys to play with, other children to interact with (or watch when she was a newborn), singing time which she especially enjoyed, and I was given a coffee and a slice of cake and other mums to talk to. What a lifeline! I am still friends with those mums now, and they form a very important part of my support (and wine o'clock) network. Having some adult company and an adult conversation with someone going through the same life changing event as me was a game changer.
I also found in lockdown when we were all on social media and mums took to TikTok, the most ingenious account on Instagram, which you have probably already heard of. Mama's Still Got It. Oh my gosh! Genius. This lady, Louise Boyce was a model before having children, and found she was taking less bookings after having children and putting on a bit of weight. "I felt like I had lost my identity as a woman and wasn't aware of the stigma that can come with being labelled a 'mum". Louise began making reels about mum life as a way of answering back, that she still has something to say, and is flying the flag for Mums everywhere. I found sooooo much comfort from seeing her making fun out of mum life; the poo-namis, the non stop mum with the oblivious husband, the idiosyncrasies of children. Recreating situations that would normally make me want to cry or scream, she was making me laugh! Her account was another lifeline, that carried me through motherhood. Here is one of my absolute favourites, I hope you enjoy!
So if you know a new Mum, please check in with her, offer to come over, make her a tea, do her washing up, have a chat and maybe tell her about some of these ideas to help make her day a bit easier.
Love, Coco x